I have so much on my mind at the moment that I almost can't process it all into functioning sentences. I'm currently listening to people speak some Asian language, and some people beyond them speak in Spanish about "I Love Lucy." I find that writing about what's going on around me tends to help me focus on what I actually want to write/think about.
I've discovered that people are liars. I guess I already knew this on some level, but it's become far more obvious to me lately. Heidi and I were discussing playing "the game" and how I don't. Part of why I don't is because I don't really know how. The other part is that I absolutely don't want to. I can't be anything more or less than me. I cannot make myself out to be anything other than exactly what I am. The funny thing about that is everyone I meet views me differently. Some people see me as strong and confident and capable, and others see me as weak and in need of protection and assistance. I don't know. People are strange to me. Fascinating, but strange. I was thinking about two of my favorite quotes today, "The best way of life is to be, simply be." (off the tab from a bag of tea) and "I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not." (Kurt Cobain) I completely agree with these statements. In fact, if I were to whittle my ideas down to a few quotes from other people, these would definitely be two of them. I know a lot of angsty, anarchist, teeny-boppers quote Kurt Cobain a lot, but I don't agree with it because I think I should be different from everyone else. I agree with it because it's exactly how I think. I can't help but be me, and I'd much rather people hate me for exactly what I am than love me for being something I'm not. Identity. How bothersome.
The people near me smell like weird cologne and coffee. I am in a coffee shop, so I suppose that's to be expected, but still. It bothers me. Also, my internet keeps connecting and disconnecting, and that's inCREDibly annoying to me.
I had a terrible day at work today...and have for the last few days. Kids don't listen anymore. They don't do as they're told. Maybe they never did, I don't know. I'm just disgusted at how often I have to repeat myself, and they still don't do what I've told them. I try my best not to lose my temper and shout at them, but sometimes it's next to impossible.
I have no boy in my life anymore. No boy that I'm interested in, anyway. I feel like I've lost some sort of muse in that. I can still write sad poetry, still express myself, but it just seems kind of....weird now. I write more about others and less about myself.
I wish I could write like Jason Mraz. I love his lyrics. He is a genius. I wish I could focus my brain right now, but there's too much going on around me, and whatever is floating around in my brain apparently isn't all that ready to be written down yet. Whatever.
I swear, 2/3 of the people here right now aren't speaking English. Or they're speaking half-English. I don't know how to feel about that. It's interesting, but weird to me.
Ahhhhh....whatever.
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